Bonzo: A Beagle You Can Believe In
Dear Fellow Americans,
While other dogs may be content chasing their tails or napping by the fire, I, Bonzo the Beagle, have taken on a higher calling this year: applying to serve as the next Justice on the Supreme Court. The humans have had their chance.
—it’s time for a hound on the Court.
​
My judicial philosophy is simple: equal justice under the paw. I believe in the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of peace through strength (by stepping on Purrdee the cat until she claws me). I hold a daily degree from Harvard Lawn School.
​
Some may question my qualifications, but I assure you my record is spotless—except for the carpet incident of 2024, which is still under appeal. There are no skeletons in my closet—though there may be a
chewed-up slipper or two. I also have a strong record of bipartisanship: I steal food equally from Democrats and Republicans. I’m an experienced watchdog specializing in barking at threats both real and imaginary.
Highlights from my résumé include:
-
Unbiased judgment: I chase delivery drivers equally, regardless of political party.
-
Respect for precedent: Advanced international law by declaring “finder’s keepers” a binding treaty principle for unattended sandwiches.
-
Due process: A firm believer in constitutional rights—recently demonstrated by lining the cat box with shredded documents.
-
Strong work ethic: I conserve energy for democracy by sleeping 18 hours a day.
-
Healthcare: Free belly rubs and ear scratches for all.
-
Economy: A bone in every stocking and tax breaks for bacon distributors.
I vow to remain above partisan squabbles—unless bacon is involved. I will never leak from the Court (though the living room rug is another matter). And rest assured, I already have my judicial robe—it’s a blanket I borrowed from Purrdee. (Ignore the scratches on my face.) My first executive order: every Friday shall be Bacon Day.
Don’t worry about me abandoning the Englishes—they won’t even know I’m gone. They’ve been busy! A quick trip to Salt Lake City for the Antiques Roadshow (their stuff was crap), wine tasting in Paso Robles to celebrate 40 years of marriage, two weeks in Switzerland (Up to the Matterhorn!) and Austria (Sound of Music 60th anniversary), a week in New York and three months touring the Midwest with the band Ivory, playing class reunions, street dances, and the Sturgis Bike Rally—culminating with performing at the South Dakota State Fair.
So, as you hang stockings and wrap gifts, please think of me in Washington—upholding the Constitution (and possibly chewing it). Michael and Carolyn send their love too, though honestly, they’re just hoping my confirmation goes through so they can reclaim their bed, their couches, and their sanity.
Faithfully yours,
Bonzo the Beagle
Future Associate Justice, U.S. Supreme Court
P.S. Cookies left by the fireplace will greatly influence my rulings.
The Englishes also left me and Purrdee behind while heading to the Pasadena Playhouse, the Dodgers (forever abandoning me for that epic 18-inning World Series game!), the Motion Picture Academy (Meeting Sophia Loren), the Ahmanson, the Hollywood Athletic Club and the L.A. Opera. A true highlight was Michael’s induction into the South Dakota Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for lifetime musical achievement—joined on stage by Ellie on percussion! His music is now on every platform (feel free to visit The Michael E English Band and file your complaint about how awful it is).
​
I especially miss Ginny and Ellie. Ginny and Sean are celebrating five years of marriage. Ginny—the cute blonde one—has been restoring her 100-year- old home, teaching, and making art. Ellie—the adorable redhead—has been drumming in two bands, recording with three, releasing two albums, touring Europe, Mexico and the U.S., in addition to working on movies and game shows in the art department and working on her master’s degree in clinical counseling! (Great—Michael and Carolyn need plenty of help.) When she visits, I make sure to add some dog hair to her clothes. She appreciates that.
